Bob Green and his best Greenisms

This week has been a helluva time at the Montana Legislature, so I offer this as a bit of a mental break.

The best thing in today's mail was this month's edition of Montana Tech M News. Montana Tech is in Butte, and for 24 years, Bob Green coached the Orediggers football team.

Bob is legendary.

So are his sayings.

From the time I worked in TV, some of my all-time favorite sports interviews were from Bob. His normal speaking voice is anyone else's full-throated shout. And he's downright creative with analogies, idioms, and the like, in the most humorous, original, honest way. In this month's M News, there's a page of the top Greenisms. Here are some of the classics:

"I'm a perfectionist. I expect Jennifer Lopez to know how to cook."

"We gotta be like a homely girl on her honeymoon. Busy, busy, busy."

"I hate to sound like an old coach, but I am an old coach. I was coaching when the Dead Sea was only sick."

"Kind of a math thing. If we lost our last one, we lost 2 out of 3, but if we won our last one, we would have won 2 out of 3."

After a close loss: "It's kinda like watching your mother-in-law go off a cliff in your brand new Cadillac. You got mixed feelings."

"There are no ugly wins. Kind of like marriage: there aren't any ugly brides, and there aren't any good-looking ex-wives."

On a football opponent: "They're gonna be very good. They're rougher than a pine cone toilet seat."

After a big win: "I feel like I just had a Viagra cocktail with a Cialis chaser."

"We're kinda like a woodpecker in a petrified forest. We just keep busy."

"I really feel like our team is ready to go hit individuals from another institution of higher learning."

"We got to practice a little bit. I want these guys to be bouncing around like a pogo stick on Viagra."

"We had an interception chance, and we caught the ball. An interception chance is like a date with the homecoming queen: close the deal. Don't waste an opportunity."

"It's like you're trying to sell bubble gum in a lockjaw ward. You just can't get much done."

"I don't like bottled water. I like that Butte water. You can eat and drink at the same time."

"We played two games that were very winnable. Unfortunately, they were very loseable."

"We were lower than a snake's vest button."

"It was a team effort. Everyone contributed with poor play."

"What a difference a week makes. This week I feel like a football coach. Last week I felt like Britney Spears' choreographer."

"I'm not a big Yankee fan. It's kinda like living in ancient Rome and rootin' for the lions." [This one reminds me of a favorite saying from Chicago, where my mighty Southside White Sox play, and, oh, so does another team: "What can you tell me about the guy? Is he a fan of the great game of baseball, or is he a Cubby-lover?"]

"We're like the kid that plays second French horn in the school band. We gotta play better."

"The game is going to come down to playing football. We've got to play football. We're not trying to split the atom."